Looking Inward

I've never been one for cliques. Being accepted into the fold. The pack. The gaggle. The murder.

Remembering back to when I was a kid, I am sure there was moments when I felt the need to express myself and have my ideas and thoughts accepted. I can recall even giving up my ideals for that acceptance too because I wanted it so much. I suppose, in many ways, we all grow up wishing for such things. Some achieve it at the expense of others, themselves, or both. But most of the time the price isn't worth it.

The fact that I never was truly accepted anywhere helped me become the man I am today. I always fell into the right spot when I didn't try, and that, to me, is the most important thing for me to remember. Whether it was through music, passion, hobbies, or joy, I am adorned with fond memories from my past of those who loved and accepted me when I did one thing correctly - I was myself.

There are other sides to it, however. Struggling to fit in anywhere as a traveling bartender has always been a bit of a chore. I can say that pushing for acceptance amongst my peers was definitely the wrong thing to do first coming in to a town where I didn't know anybody. Drinking heavily on top of that definitely made it worse. Alcohol elevates people's personalities exponentially, and when you work in a field where the product is such a catalyst for that you can lose sight of what is important very quickly.

So, I recognized the problem and dealt with it.

It's one of the most disheartening things in the world to either fuck up a job you have all the experience and awards in the world in, or have it stripped from you. Is it a bad job to have though? Nope. Sure, the money is great, it's exciting, and you meet all sorts of new people to whom you have some of the most interesting stories in the world for, but I think I went at it all wrong.

I wasn't being me.

When you lose sight of the initiative and what's important, others can see it clearly. It's difficult as hell to know what others perceptions of you are. In fact, it's practically impossible. I only say "practically" because you can ask the people. You can change the things that are wrong in your life, but only when you recognize them - either by yourself or with the help of others. Believing in yourself is one thing, but being an asshole about it without taking other people in to consideration is another. Dulling your inhibitions and consciousness doesn't make it any better. In fact, it makes it worse.

When I moved to Gainesville a few months ago, I was living with a kid that had all sorts of problems. Not to say I was the admirable quality of life that may sound like because I have my own issues, obviously, but he would constantly say he wanted to die, then drink himself into a coma every single night. I'd hear him and his friends through the paper-thin walls all throughout the night, then popping open cans of beer first thing in the morning. I suppose in many ways he reminded me of myself when I was that age - 21, all alone, yet surrounded by friends and loved ones. Knowing how alone this poor kid felt on his 22nd birthday, I decided to hang out with him, having just been cut back at my last job and nothing to do but make him not want to kill himself. At least for one day. At least on his birthday. We were almost kicked out of a full movie theater after he snuck in a pint of Sailor Jerry, then went downtown where he was immediately kicked out of a party for being borderline molest-ant some months before. We were then kicked out of a bar downtown because he was groping the doorman. Yes, the doorman. Like I said, he had some major issues.

But it reminded me of myself. Not the actions, of course, but the non-compliant, antisocial, drunken, disorderly approach with little or no regard to those around me whether it affected them directly or indirectly. They say the things you hate about other people are the things you see in yourself. Not to say everyone would hate these actions for the same reason, but they definitely showed something about myself to me. Whenever I or my ideas or actions were not accepted, I blamed the other person for being "wrong" or "incorrect", which was pure ignorance. Instead, I became a victim of my own thoughts and tragically continued on a path of alcoholism and denial.

I guess the point I am trying to make here is that once struggling to fit in no longer became an issue, I revolted against the cliques. I went against the grain. I would push against the pack. But, you see, that's where I was wrong because it was never them. It never was the cliques and groups I blamed. The problem was and always had been me.

I refused to just be myself.

We are all working pieces in a world where everything is moving and temporary. We mustn't force what is not there, but rather accept things for what they are and leave them better than when we found it. And somewhere in that mess, I believe we will truly find ourselves...

And we should never choose to fight who we are.

That's my two cents.